Monday, August 30, 2010
The Decline & Fall of Western Civilization
The other was day I saw a recipe for Guinness and ice cream in a blender. If that doesn’t signal the end of the world as we know it, what does?!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
DUMB AS A ROCK DUCK
I learned a bit this last winter about the mating habits of males. Yes, I’m older than dirt and still learning. About mating habits anyway.
First there was a local story about a male duck that had become enamored of a concrete lawn ornament. Usually, lawn ducks are just decorations that occasionally get dressed by their owners/guardians in raincoats and other foppish finery. This one was not attired, but must have been, unfortunately, so shaped as to resemble a curvaceous female duck or whatever passes as sexually enticing to male ducks
The male duck guarded his intended very jealously and lest you think this could not be all that serious, the story goes on to say that at one point no fewer than 7 people including members of the sheriff’s department were all standing in the kitchen having been shooed there by the avian lover.
The resolution of the above story is not germane to my point so let’s leave them all in the kitchen while I go on to the next which was a television show about some prairie bird, a grouse I think. A female investigator had rigged up a fake female grouse to ride along a miniature track, which was laid out to hopefully interest and include notice by the wild grouse population through which she had routed the track, while she filmed from a blind. The fake, track-duck also had a camera atop her to better film the goings on.
Many were the setbacks for our intrepid, young investigator all caught on film, or tape or whatever medium for yucks. The imitation female grouse’s head could be swiveled by remote control allowing her to fix her beady eyes on other grouse. Perhaps I’m making this up, but there may have been the grouse form of booty shake robotically added also. As our little miss grouse rolled along her track her booty shaking provocatively to the tune of Saturday Night Fever, male grouse were moved to fits of passion for , , , one of the rocks that littered the prairie. One male in particular tried his hardest, no pun intended, to ignite the passion of this rock. Do I have to add that it was to no avail? Meanwhile our heroine tumped over on her track, still filming albeit in a confusing, horizontal direction as the rest of the males ignored her, while the one still continued laying siege to the rock.
I just thought these two instances to be so typical of male hormones at work that the stories have stuck with me. And they go a long way in my understanding as to why, when my femininity ‘bloomed’ out years ago, some males found even me attractive. They eventually got over it, but until this last winter when both of those stories caught my attention, I never really connected it to me. Truth is out, and truth is that males will try to f*ck anything. ANYTHING!
If you don’t want to fish, don’t bait the hook was the saying of our day and my hook was never baited. I did everything I could to not draw male interest. Didn’t work. I might as well have been a stone lawn ornament.
First there was a local story about a male duck that had become enamored of a concrete lawn ornament. Usually, lawn ducks are just decorations that occasionally get dressed by their owners/guardians in raincoats and other foppish finery. This one was not attired, but must have been, unfortunately, so shaped as to resemble a curvaceous female duck or whatever passes as sexually enticing to male ducks
The male duck guarded his intended very jealously and lest you think this could not be all that serious, the story goes on to say that at one point no fewer than 7 people including members of the sheriff’s department were all standing in the kitchen having been shooed there by the avian lover.
The resolution of the above story is not germane to my point so let’s leave them all in the kitchen while I go on to the next which was a television show about some prairie bird, a grouse I think. A female investigator had rigged up a fake female grouse to ride along a miniature track, which was laid out to hopefully interest and include notice by the wild grouse population through which she had routed the track, while she filmed from a blind. The fake, track-duck also had a camera atop her to better film the goings on.
Many were the setbacks for our intrepid, young investigator all caught on film, or tape or whatever medium for yucks. The imitation female grouse’s head could be swiveled by remote control allowing her to fix her beady eyes on other grouse. Perhaps I’m making this up, but there may have been the grouse form of booty shake robotically added also. As our little miss grouse rolled along her track her booty shaking provocatively to the tune of Saturday Night Fever, male grouse were moved to fits of passion for , , , one of the rocks that littered the prairie. One male in particular tried his hardest, no pun intended, to ignite the passion of this rock. Do I have to add that it was to no avail? Meanwhile our heroine tumped over on her track, still filming albeit in a confusing, horizontal direction as the rest of the males ignored her, while the one still continued laying siege to the rock.
I just thought these two instances to be so typical of male hormones at work that the stories have stuck with me. And they go a long way in my understanding as to why, when my femininity ‘bloomed’ out years ago, some males found even me attractive. They eventually got over it, but until this last winter when both of those stories caught my attention, I never really connected it to me. Truth is out, and truth is that males will try to f*ck anything. ANYTHING!
If you don’t want to fish, don’t bait the hook was the saying of our day and my hook was never baited. I did everything I could to not draw male interest. Didn’t work. I might as well have been a stone lawn ornament.
Friday, August 20, 2010
JUS SAYIN
8-20-10
Today, The View was appalling. I think only Joy made any sense. Not to jinx her, but she often is the most rational, not to mention humorous, on the show. The subject was Mel’s ex, Oksana. Less was said about his ranting than about her taping his ranting. I could only watch them trying to mutilate her for a little while before turning it off, so maybe they mellowed eventually, but the gist of it was that “she sounded scripted”. Duh. Put yourself in her place: you’ve been assaulted repeatedly; who is going to believe you when they can believe the honorable Mad Mel? What better way to prove it than to get him on tape? So, while he is screaming obscenities, threatening to burn the house down, presumably with you and his own child in it, you realize you have to compose yourself long enough to get his words down. Be still my still beating heart. You might even put a list of the points by the phone, so that when your heart leaps into your mouth because the man you thought you loved wants to put you through a meat grinder calls, you can still have the presence of mind to do what must be done. What other defense did she have? I think eventually the police were called, but as a child of domestic violence myself, I can assure you, that CALLING THE POLICE IS NO GUARANTEE OF HELP, often pissing off the offender more and alerting him to your serious intention. For the women of the View to presume, or assert otherwise is disingenuous at best and downright ignorance at worst. To see how easily people, including police can be duped one need look no further than Whoopi. Most made the point of saying to the effect that, ‘we aren’t taking Mel’s side, but , , ,”. No, of course not; impugning the reputation, motives, agenda etc. of a brutalized wife by no means implies that Mel might have a case for say, killing her. Yes, the police must be notified, but in the midst of such a vile situation, maybe getting your own proof together might take priority, before Mel learns that he can’t lie his way out of it. Oksana might not be a virgin, or the nicest kid on the block, but she survived. I don’t think they ever invited her on the show did they? Wouldn’t that be where a strong woman would shine? I have been a victim of ‘foot in mouth’ disease so many times, that I really shouldn’t rant when others also open mouth insert foot. But I hope the women of the View and especially Whoopi, who has so many fine qualities going for her, come to their senses about this. In fact, given the special relationship Whoopi has stated she has with Mel, she should probably just recuse herself from any discussion regarding him.
Today, The View was appalling. I think only Joy made any sense. Not to jinx her, but she often is the most rational, not to mention humorous, on the show. The subject was Mel’s ex, Oksana. Less was said about his ranting than about her taping his ranting. I could only watch them trying to mutilate her for a little while before turning it off, so maybe they mellowed eventually, but the gist of it was that “she sounded scripted”. Duh. Put yourself in her place: you’ve been assaulted repeatedly; who is going to believe you when they can believe the honorable Mad Mel? What better way to prove it than to get him on tape? So, while he is screaming obscenities, threatening to burn the house down, presumably with you and his own child in it, you realize you have to compose yourself long enough to get his words down. Be still my still beating heart. You might even put a list of the points by the phone, so that when your heart leaps into your mouth because the man you thought you loved wants to put you through a meat grinder calls, you can still have the presence of mind to do what must be done. What other defense did she have? I think eventually the police were called, but as a child of domestic violence myself, I can assure you, that CALLING THE POLICE IS NO GUARANTEE OF HELP, often pissing off the offender more and alerting him to your serious intention. For the women of the View to presume, or assert otherwise is disingenuous at best and downright ignorance at worst. To see how easily people, including police can be duped one need look no further than Whoopi. Most made the point of saying to the effect that, ‘we aren’t taking Mel’s side, but , , ,”. No, of course not; impugning the reputation, motives, agenda etc. of a brutalized wife by no means implies that Mel might have a case for say, killing her. Yes, the police must be notified, but in the midst of such a vile situation, maybe getting your own proof together might take priority, before Mel learns that he can’t lie his way out of it. Oksana might not be a virgin, or the nicest kid on the block, but she survived. I don’t think they ever invited her on the show did they? Wouldn’t that be where a strong woman would shine? I have been a victim of ‘foot in mouth’ disease so many times, that I really shouldn’t rant when others also open mouth insert foot. But I hope the women of the View and especially Whoopi, who has so many fine qualities going for her, come to their senses about this. In fact, given the special relationship Whoopi has stated she has with Mel, she should probably just recuse herself from any discussion regarding him.
Monday, August 16, 2010
JSTFU About That About Which You Know So Little
For me, I am never at a loss of having something to carp about. Finding the time, energy and will to carp about it is another story. The latest attack on my sensibility is two commercials. The first is for some drug to control fibromyalgia. It pisses me off. The shill begins by talking about the chronic pain and then informs us that doctors say it’s ‘over-active nerves.” I bet they lost sleep coming up with that explanation. But wait, maybe they just consulted with the drug for “over-active” bladder! Yeah, that’s the ticket. Given that both are primarily women’s issues, is it any wonder that both conditions are due to an over-active state? After all, in truth aren’t women supposed to be passive.
It’s ludicrous. Given the deterioration of our air, our food, our water; the “over-active” rush of chemical pollutants into every corner of the earth, must it come as a complete surprise that some women might become overly-sensitive to all this CRAP?! Might it not be possible that these conditions are due to some CRAP that’s in their environment?! Or the absence of any good, organic mineral in our food?!
This is just the newest version of ‘hysteria’, ‘women’s diseases’, and all the other failed medical doctrines throughout his-story. I don’t know who is stupider, the men who concoct this BS or the women who believe it. Such stupidity wears on me and wears me out. Oh, and women, be sure and don’t drive or use machinery when taking these pills. Telling women not to drive etc, doesn’t that sound familiar? In the same way we weren’t supposed to ride horses, ride bicycles, exercise? Didn’t we hear a lot of that last century? And the one before that? This tag line is never delivered in a Viagra commercial for instance. I suppose a 4-hour erection leads men to drive BETTER!
For the sake of what little sanity I have left after the constant onslaught of this sort of nonsense, I have to believe that men, perhaps, mean well in their errant analyses of ‘women’s problems’, but, as a famous, female feminist whose name escapes me just now said: My next essay will be on how it feels to get kicked in the balls.
It’s ludicrous. Given the deterioration of our air, our food, our water; the “over-active” rush of chemical pollutants into every corner of the earth, must it come as a complete surprise that some women might become overly-sensitive to all this CRAP?! Might it not be possible that these conditions are due to some CRAP that’s in their environment?! Or the absence of any good, organic mineral in our food?!
This is just the newest version of ‘hysteria’, ‘women’s diseases’, and all the other failed medical doctrines throughout his-story. I don’t know who is stupider, the men who concoct this BS or the women who believe it. Such stupidity wears on me and wears me out. Oh, and women, be sure and don’t drive or use machinery when taking these pills. Telling women not to drive etc, doesn’t that sound familiar? In the same way we weren’t supposed to ride horses, ride bicycles, exercise? Didn’t we hear a lot of that last century? And the one before that? This tag line is never delivered in a Viagra commercial for instance. I suppose a 4-hour erection leads men to drive BETTER!
For the sake of what little sanity I have left after the constant onslaught of this sort of nonsense, I have to believe that men, perhaps, mean well in their errant analyses of ‘women’s problems’, but, as a famous, female feminist whose name escapes me just now said: My next essay will be on how it feels to get kicked in the balls.
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